I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this post since that moment in a small hotel room in Bremerton, Washington—an idyllic, Hallmark-movie town. It was there that I saw the news: Liam Payne from One Direction was dead. I gasped, almost screaming. I clicked the link on Twitter to TMZ, hoping it wasn’t true.

That morning had started like any other dream day for a lifelong boy band fan. I had just spent time with my favorite, Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys. I listened to some of the new music he’s been working on and was getting ready to see him perform—for the third time in just four days. My friends and I had already been to his shows in Vancouver and Victoria, British Columbia, and made our way to this small harborside town to catch one more.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a deep love for all boy bands—even *NSYNC. I’m what you might call a boy band expert. My most recent book is a collection of boy band trivia, and it’s no secret that my heart beats to their harmonies. So when One Direction emerged on The X Factor in 2010, I fell hard—just like millions of others.

At the time, I was 30 years old, a year out of college, working my first real journalism job. My friend Lisa, who lived near the X Factor studios, told me about these boys who had walked into her brother’s workplace. From the start, their harmonies and infectious smiles captivated me. Niall Horan and Liam Payne were my first favorites, stealing my heart with their voices and charm, until Harry Styles became impossible to ignore. To this day, “Little Things” and “Perfect” are among my all-time favorite songs.

But I never had the chance to see them in concert. Life just didn’t align back then, and it’s a regret I will carry forever—especially now that we’ve lost Liam.

In many ways, I’m still in denial. There’s no way Liam Payne is gone. How could a member of One Direction be gone? I’ve followed boy bands my entire life, and while the music world has lost other band members over the years — such as LFO’s Rich Cronin and Devin Lima and The Wanted’s Tom Parker — this was the first time someone from a group that had truly owned a piece of my heart was taken.

I’ve mourned musicians before. Whitney Houston’s death shook me to the core. I called in sick to work that day. But losing a boy band member feels different. There’s a unique, personal connection that comes with being a fangirl. Boy bands often become a kind of emotional lifeline — reminders of youth, joy, and belonging. These artists shape the soundtracks of our lives. Liam was part of mine.

That evening, I was filled with gratitude as I stood in the crowd watching Nick Carter do what he does best — captivate his fans and make the audience feel alive. After everything Nick and AJ McLean have been through, I felt incredibly lucky that they are still here, sharing their music with us. And then, the thought struck me: many One Direction fans would never get the chance to experience what I’ve been fortunate enough to experience with Nick so many times —a small, intimate solo performance, a personal moment shared between fan and artist.

Some fans will never get that chance with Liam. And I’ll never have the opportunity to meet him.

It’s a sobering reminder that we take our favorite artists for granted, believing they’ll always be there. But they won’t. I think about the fans of Buddy Holly or Ritchie Valens, who lost their idols in a tragic plane crash. Or Elvis Presley, who was on the verge of launching a new tour before he passed away at Graceland. These losses hit hard, not just because of the music they leave behind, but because they remind us that time with our idols is finite.

Liam’s death came just one day after the second anniversary of my mom’s passing, amplifying the grief. Loss is never easy, whether it’s someone we know personally or someone we admire from afar. And sometimes, celebrities become emotional anchors — people we don’t know but who have an enormous impact on our lives.

Fandom isn’t just about the music or the concerts. It’s about the connections we form with these artists and the way they shape who we are. For me, Nick Carter has been that anchor, helping me through difficult times. And Liam Payne, without ever knowing it, was part of that same emotional lifeline for so many people that he never had the chance to lock eyes with.

As fans, we pour our love into these artists because they give us something priceless in return—hope, comfort, joy. But we can’t forget how fragile life is, even for those who seem larger than life. We think they’ll always be there, but the truth is, they won’t. And that makes every concert, every interaction, and every moment we share with them all the more precious.

So today, I hold my memories close, grateful for the artists I still have and mourning those we’ve lost. Liam Payne may be gone, but his voice, his music, and his impact on our lives will remain.

“Goodbyes are bittersweet, but it’s not the end, I’ll see your face again.”