I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this post since that moment in a small hotel room in Bremerton, Washington—an idyllic, Hallmark-movie town. It was there that I saw the news: Liam Payne from One Direction was dead. I gasped, almost screaming. I clicked the link on Twitter to TMZ, hoping it wasn’t true.
That morning had started like any other dream day for a lifelong boy band fan. I had just spent time with my favorite, Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys. I listened to some of the new music he’s been working on and was getting ready to see him perform—for the third time in just four days. My friends and I had already been to his shows in Vancouver and Victoria, British Columbia, and made our way to this small harborside town to catch one more.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have a deep love for all boy bands—even *NSYNC. I’m what you might call a boy band expert. My most recent book is a collection of boy band trivia, and it’s no secret that my heart beats to their harmonies. So when One Direction emerged on The X Factor in 2010, I fell hard—just like millions of others.
At the time, I was 30 years old, a year out of college, working my first real journalism job. My friend Lisa, who lived near the X Factor studios, told me about these boys who had walked into her brother’s workplace. From the start, their harmonies and infectious smiles captivated me. Niall Horan and Liam Payne were my first favorites, stealing my heart with their voices and charm, until Harry Styles became impossible to ignore. To this day, “Little Things” and “Perfect” are among my all-time favorite songs.
But I never had the chance to see them in concert. Life just didn’t align back then, and it’s a regret I will carry forever—especially now that we’ve lost Liam.
In many ways, I’m still in denial. There’s no way Liam Payne is gone. How could a member of One Direction be gone? I’ve followed boy bands my entire life, and while the music world has lost other band members over the years — such as LFO’s Rich Cronin and Devin Lima and The Wanted’s Tom Parker — this was the first time someone from a group that had truly owned a piece of my heart was taken.
I’ve mourned musicians before. Whitney Houston’s death shook me to the core. I called in sick to work that day. But losing a boy band member feels different. There’s a unique, personal connection that comes with being a fangirl. Boy bands often become a kind of emotional lifeline — reminders of youth, joy, and belonging. These artists shape the soundtracks of our lives. Liam was part of mine.
That evening, I was filled with gratitude as I stood in the crowd watching Nick Carter do what he does best — captivate his fans and make the audience feel alive. After everything Nick and AJ McLean have been through, I felt incredibly lucky that they are still here, sharing their music with us. And then, the thought struck me: many One Direction fans would never get the chance to experience what I’ve been fortunate enough to experience with Nick so many times —a small, intimate solo performance, a personal moment shared between fan and artist.
Some fans will never get that chance with Liam. And I’ll never have the opportunity to meet him.
It’s a sobering reminder that we take our favorite artists for granted, believing they’ll always be there. But they won’t. I think about the fans of Buddy Holly or Ritchie Valens, who lost their idols in a tragic plane crash. Or Elvis Presley, who was on the verge of launching a new tour before he passed away at Graceland. These losses hit hard, not just because of the music they leave behind, but because they remind us that time with our idols is finite.
Liam’s death came just one day after the second anniversary of my mom’s passing, amplifying the grief. Loss is never easy, whether it’s someone we know personally or someone we admire from afar. And sometimes, celebrities become emotional anchors — people we don’t know but who have an enormous impact on our lives.
Fandom isn’t just about the music or the concerts. It’s about the connections we form with these artists and the way they shape who we are. For me, Nick Carter has been that anchor, helping me through difficult times. And Liam Payne, without ever knowing it, was part of that same emotional lifeline for so many people that he never had the chance to lock eyes with.
As fans, we pour our love into these artists because they give us something priceless in return—hope, comfort, joy. But we can’t forget how fragile life is, even for those who seem larger than life. We think they’ll always be there, but the truth is, they won’t. And that makes every concert, every interaction, and every moment we share with them all the more precious.
So today, I hold my memories close, grateful for the artists I still have and mourning those we’ve lost. Liam Payne may be gone, but his voice, his music, and his impact on our lives will remain.
"Goodbyes are bittersweet, but it's not the end, I'll see your face again."
It's been a while since I've really came on to blog or post anything. I've been keeping myself busy. Staying busy keeps my mind off of things.
For one, we are just over a month before my book with Emilia is released and we have already received our advanced copies. I've posted an unboxing video on YouTube and have teased some things on social media.
While it's not supposed to be released until April 11th, it's already in stores in several places across the world, like Australia.
Besides the book, I've been busy working and working a freelance job with some friends that I know from college, which has been fun and keeping my mind off of things for sure. Plus, I feel like the more I do things, the stronger I get as a marketer.
I also took my Etsy store down this weekend for a while. I need to recharge on that and my heart isn't in it right now. There's some things I want to do for the shop and I can't do that when I have to constantly fill orders. It will be back, though. Just, I need a break from it right now.
My goal is to blog here more. I've slacked over at BSBFangirls.com and here, and I need to get back to who I am. A part that is going to help me is that I'm going to a convention soon with friends and that's going to be so good for me.
We have some pretty big things coming up on BSBFangirls.com with the 30th anniversary around the corner and it's 98.5% all Amber spearheading the charge and I can't thank her enough for that. It's some things we kind of wanted to do before we got the book deal, so we've rearranged a few things and still doing it. I'm being very careful with what I say right now not to give anything away. 🙂
I'm also going to work on my portfolio here on my site, but it will be listed under a password. I'm going to start on that soon and just get back to writing for the love of it. Now that I have a real book published, I hope to have something fictional published one day. That's my dream and goal. I want to get back to where I was writing fiction all the time and the stuff that people loved to read.
So look for more updates here soon. I promise, they are going to come. Plus, there's going to be something with some ultimate fangirling soon. I promise.
Last year when the clock struck midnight and it became 2022, I didn't realize this was going to be the year that changed my life. All I could think about was "finally, I get concerts back!"
Honestly, the concerts are really the best thing that came out of this year besides my book deal with Emilia. I finally got to see Mandy Moore after being a fan for over 20 years. I got to see my favorite boys, the Backstreet Boys, again. First in Las Vegas in April, then several more times over the summer with some of my best friends.
Then just as I had my last concert, my world changed. My Mom got sick and died just over a month later. To say the least, things have been weird since then. It's not so much that I'm alone, because honestly, I prefer to be alone sometimes. It's just not having her call me. It's not having her tell me to get something from the store. It's all the little things that I used to complain about that I miss.
On top of all of this, there were things at work that I won't talk about on here. And my Etsy shop. And all of my work I do for the fandom and fan club.
And honestly, I've let those things that make me who I am slip a little since she passed away.
While I wasn't going to make a list of things I want to accomplish in 2023, I decided to after thinking about something today.
Things I want to do in 2023:
Get Published Again: While my book with Emilia is being published in April about the Backstreet Boys, I want something fictional published. I need to get back to writing. I need to get back into having fun writing again. That's one thing I really miss. Besides, getting "How to be an Adult Fangirl (And Not Ruin Your Life)" will likely never get really published since I self-published, but my next story, I'm going all in to get it published - for real.
Step Up My Brand's Game: There's a few things I want to do with this. For one, finish setting up my Etsy shop on WordPress with WooCommerce. That way I have control and do not have to pay each much like Shopify. I also want to be more consistent with posting on BSBFangirls and social media. Thankfully Emilia, Amber, and Melly are awesome and help out, too.
Master's Degree: Whether it's taking classes or getting my Master's Degree, I want to do one or the other. I have an idea for something I'd like to do eventually, business wise, and I want to get that background. Don't ask me what the idea is, only a few people know.
I know they aren't huge drastic things, but I feel like with where I am right now, I need to take things slowly. My life turned upside down this year and I have to get used to my new normal.
I pretty much realized what I wanted to do with my life because I started writing fan fiction not long after I graduated high school. I realized I loved to write, which led me to designing websites, making graphics, and even though I didn't know it at the time, marketing.
I haven't written fan fiction in years, but I still love to write fiction.
Except I haven't written anything in close to two years.
The first thought I had when COVID-19 began and I started to work from home was, "Wow, I don't have to sit in traffic anymore. I'll have more time for writing!" Yeah, that didn't happen. Two years into this pandemic and I haven't written anything fiction-wise.
I am usually inspired by music. Whether it's a melody, a lyric, or maybe just a theme of the song. Taylor Swift has always been in a huge inspiration and country music as a whole. In fact, it was country music that first inspired me to write fan fiction. Who knew 20 years later, the Backstreet Boys would be topping the country music charts? Not me.
Today as I worked, I played a country music playlist of new songs. There were songs by artists that I love like Luke Bryan, Thomas Rhett, Kelsea Ballerini and Keith Urban, but I will be honest. Some of the new artists are a little ... too country?
I'm a woman who considers herself a walking Wikipedia of country music knowledge from the 00's and back until the days of Hank Williams (Sr., not Jr.) and Patsy Cline.
Where does this mix in with my writer's block? I was inspired this weekend with an idea, which I wrote and planned out a little Sunday evening. I thought listening to a country playlist would help inspire me to break that block. Inspire me!
Except the lyrics about trying to keep your daughter off the pole and your son out of jail just couldn't do it. I had to turn the playlist off. There was not going to be any inspiration coming from that playlist after I heard a few songs like that. Not that anything is wrong with that, but it's not inspiring to me.
I like to blame it on the fact that I write so much for work. I'm "written" out at the end of the day or on weekends. While that may be part of it, it's just I'm not inspired.
I wrote what I think is my best story, "How to be an Adult Fangirl (and Not Ruin Your Life)" after the 2018 Backstreet Boys cruise. No, it's not a fan fiction. But I was inspired and started work on an idea that I had already began months before.
The Backstreet Boys, especially Nick, have always been a big inspiration to me in so many ways that I can't list here that changed my life and I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for them.
So maybe once things are really back to normal and the tour happens and I get to hang out with my friends around the country and world, I see my boys and see live shows again, maybe I'll get inspired.
In the meantime, I guess I'll just write about having writer's block.
I've always been the kind of girl that kept her fandoms separately. You had "Friends" to the left and you had country music on the right. Or football to the left and Backstreet Boys to the right.
Over the past few years, they've started merging.
First the Backstreet Boys were in a Seth Rogen/James Franco movie, "This Is The End." Then they released a country song with Florida Georgia Line, which to be honest, is something that I have always begged them to do.
On the 2018 Backstreet Boys cruise, Nick Carter dressed up as "Thor" on Comic Book night and that lead me down a dark path of becoming a Marvel fan, which you can read about on BSBFangirls.com here.
That's all fine and dandy. Nick's even releasing a very country-sounding single soon with country artist Jimmie Allen.
Worlds collide, I know.
This past week, I found out Sebastian Stan, who plays Bucky Barnes (The Winter Soldier) in the Marvel franchise, was going to be at a convention in Atlanta and I jumped on buying a photo opp to meeting him and have a photo taken.
I don't think I've ever met anybody from the movies now that I think about it. Bucky is one of my favorite characters and over the last two years, Sebastian has become one of my favorite actors.
Yesterday, the convention was supposed to be announcing more guest and while they have a lot of "The Walking Dead" cast there since it films in Atlanta, I was hoping for someone else from Marvel. You know, I know Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans won't be there, but I'd take Tom Hiddleston or Anthony Mackie.
Then I get a notification that the convention had a new tweet - an announcement.
The announcement that Nick Carter was going to be there.
I started laughing hysterically. I had joked earlier in the day that he'd probably end up coming but I didn't think it would actually happen.
Then it hit me - my fandoms are colliding - like, for real.
Not only will I be seeing the great fangirl/fandom love of my life (I say that jokingly) Nick Carter, but I'll be seeing [enter Anthony Mackie voice] SEBASTIAN STAN. Bucky. The Winter Soldier. The man who is playing my fave rocker Tommy Lee starting next month in a new Hulu show.
Will I make it past March 19th, the only day that Sebastian will be at the convention and so will Nick?
As a child and young teenager, my favorite television show besides "Beverly Hills, 90210" was "Saved by the Bell." Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar - yes, I still remember how to spell his last name) owned my heart. He may have been the very first blonde I lusted after. (Nick Carter, you can thank him). I mean, it was so bad that I got in a fight in middle school because a girl ripped my Big Bopper centerfold poster of Mark-Paul.
You didn't mess with my posters. "The College Years" may have been my favorite because that is when Zack/Mark-Paul was the hottest and don't get me started on the Vegas movie. That's the dream wedding.
So why did it take me so long to watch the reboot on Peacock? Maybe it was because I was scared I would hate it and it would ruin the nostalgia and amazingness of the original "Saved by the Bell." I knew my faves were back on the show, even my beloved Mark-Paul, but I just didn't watch.
Until I was sick the other day and decided to watch it.
It may possibly be the best decision I made this past week besides getting a new record player/CD player/radio and yes, cassette player!
The main character, who is a girl, actually shares my birthday. Finally, someone who shares it besides Bill Cosby. And while Zack's son's name twitches me every time it is said outloud, I actually loved it.
I love the fact that Slater and Jessie work at Bayside. I may not love the fact that Zack Morris is Governor and seems as if it's basied on Trump's presidency, I can overlook it. I mean, we just knew that Zack Morris was made for greatness.
They mix the casts so well together so that's it's just not focused on the new casts of students, but also mixing in more of the original stars, especially in this latest season which brought back Lisa Turtle and even a tribute to Dustin Diamond who played Screech (and died earlier this year).
But do you want to know the best part?
The best part is that we get to hear Zack and Slater say cruse words. I KNOW. I know this seems childish, but it was a Saturday morning teen show back in the early 1990s. There's no way they could say any four letter word on there, but they do on Peacock and it is AMAZING. It makes Zack seem more real.
I'll leave my MPG lusting and fangirling with this scene from Season 2 of "Saved by the Bell" where Zack is teaching U.S. History (I won't say why he's teaching it because it's a spoiler.)
Do you remember back in, I think it was '98 or '99, Chris Rock came out with a song called "No Sex (In The Champagne Room)?" and dedicated it to the Class of '99?
That song and this post is going to have a little in common. I'm going to share some rules of being a fangirl in this day and age that you can follow, laugh at it, or roll your eyes at. It doesn't bother me one way or another.
1. Not everybody is going to be friends.
Something I learned pretty quickly is that no matter if you love the same band, you can't be friends with everybody. Some people just don't click that way. There are plenty of people in my fandoms that I'm not friends with, but I'm cordial and even talk to. Not everybody is going to be your friend. You don't have to go around and do these good deeds for people because that doesn't equal friendship. Sometimes it's just not meant to be.
And if by chance you are friends with two people who don't like one another, at least acknowledge why they don't like one another and don't blow it under the rug as if it doesn't matter. You never know when words can hurt more emotionally than physically.
2. Beware Who You Associate Yourself With
This is something I've learned late in life. I've always tried to be friendly to people who have been friendly with me. But after being burned more than once, I've learned that sometimes you have to look past the bigger picture of being cordial. Especially when it's getting involved in a project that could turn out to be bad and make you look bad.
For instance, I have a popular website, Etsy shop, and I'm pretty known in the BSB fandom. That equals thousands of followers on social media outlets. Whenever I'm offered a chance to be associated with something, I always have to think about the bigger picture, especially if money is involved. There have been some that I knew I wouldn't want to be a part of from the get-go. There are some that I really wanted to do, but knew deep down I probably wouldn't have time to devote to it like I should. But you always have to ask yourself a few questions. Would this benefit me and most importantly, what is the benefit to my readers and buyers?
That leads me to ...
3. You Don't Have To Take Part In Every Opportunity That Comes Your Way
More than once, I should have listened to Taylor Swift and say "You Shoulda Said No," but I didn't. You might want to, but think about it for a minute, or a day. How is this going to benefit you? Will it benefit you? Is it just another scheme to have your name attached to something that will end up hurting you and your reputation in the long run?
I'm very wary of ANYTHING that involves money.
For instance, me and my friend Hannah did an ad in the Kentucky Music Hall of Fame for Brian and Kevin from Backstreet Boys' induction and we raised money for it. We kept up with every cent and the whole thing made me nervous, but we did it, and the guys loved it and us fans that took part in it felt good that we did something nice for the boys for a change.
If you have something that people want to use, such as artwork, that in return will not really benefit you, but benefit them, think long and hard because that's a piece of yourself that you are giving away.
4. Make Sure They Are Friends For The Right Reasons
This is a biggie. If for any inkling people think you have some kind of connection to their faves, some might try to be friends with you for that reason only. You know how they say there is one bad apple out of the whole bunch? That's kind of how this is.
For every 10,000 amazing people, there's always going to be one. It hasn't just happened to me. It's happened some of my friends. It's happened to some friends of my friends in various fandoms whether it be Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, Marvel, Jonas Brothers, One Direction, Harry Potter, etc.
Sometimes you go into things with the best intentions, but only to find out the other person's intentions weren't as pure. And it sucks, trust me.
5. Don't Worry About Who Likes You
There will always be people who just flat out don't like you, whether you've done absolutely nothing to the person or if maybe you've rubbed them the wrong way about something. Or vice versa. It goes back to #1 - You don't have be friends with someone.
A fandom is supposed to be fun. So say a group of people don't like you. Who cares? Are they your friends? Are they the ones that that you tell your deepest secrets to? If not, then who cares if they don't like you.
6. Don't Stress Yourself Out Over It
Like I just said, fandoms are supposed to be fun. Don't stress yourself out over something. If it's literally to the point of making you physically sick, get out. A fandom isn't supposed to do that to you. A friendship isn't supposed to do that to you. A relationship isn't supposed to do that to you.
Nothing that is supposed to bring you joy should do that to you.
Being a fangirl is about being happy, carefree and fun. If it's not, that's when it's time to hang it up.
A lot of people know this already, but I spent over 10 years in journalism. I won awards for not only my writing, photography and designs, but toward the end of 2017, my heart just wasn't in it anymore. In July 2018, I took a job in marketing and I honestly haven't looked back.
Why?
Because most journalism sucks now.
Newspapers, which is what made me fall in love with journalism, are full of nothing but advertisements because that's what keeps the newspapers running. That, or they are in the pockets of local government and not wanting to report on real news.
It was always my dream to write for Rolling Stone or Entertainment Weekly or something like that. I'll be honest, I neve came close. Yes I got to interview people like Luke Bryan or James Aldean or legendary actors like Scott Wilson, but it was never my full time job and when I did come very close to having that as my full time gig, it was taken away. The new "editor" was an alcoholic who sat around and told us about her sex life after coming to the newsroom at night, drunk, and then wrote us up when we were late with our deadlines because she made us listen to her.
Yes, that really happened at one of my past jobs.
That was the beginning of the bad taste in my mouth, but to be honest, it was all I knew at the time, so I took another newspaper job.
Now a days, I sit and roll my eyes at people who write for People Magazine or Us Weekly who do not do their research before writing an article. Because you know, the Backstreet Boys had to cancel their reunion tour due to the pandemic or someone who thinks Nick Lachey is a former member of 98 Degrees. Sometimes I wonder how these people got their jobs. Did they never learn to research? Hell, all it would take is to look at Wikipedia.
There will probably always be a part of me that looks at an article and know that I could do a better job at it. But the fact that these news outlets hire people who aren't worthy of the jobs because they obviously don't know the basics of journalism, leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
And it probably won't be one I'll get over anytime soon.
I know what you're thinking - here we go again. Karah has started another site which will end up closing, blah blah blah.
Well, I can probably agree because over the last 20+ years, that's kinda what would happen. But this time is a little different.
A few months ago, I created a portfolio site on my old web host that showcased a lot of my work. The only thing was - I wanted a blog on there. The last few weeks, I worked, along with Emilia (BSBFangirls.com's new co-owner and previous owner of Kaos Online) to move the site to a new webhost. That meant redoing the portfolio site and having the ability to have a blog.
If you've followed for a few years, TheFangirlingLife.com was the original BSBFangirls.com. I've kept the domain the past year and a half because I loved it so much and knew I would want to do something with it again. For a little while, I had it pointing to my Etsy shop.
This site will be a lot about my past work, as a portfolio, but I will also blog over here about anything and everything - my distaste for the current state of journalism, music, television, movies, social media - whatever I want.
If you see the featured image with this post, you can see that it's an empty stage from a Backstreet Boys cruise. I picked the picture because it was in the past, but it looks like the present and future - empty stages, cruise ships, etc. I've been reliving a lot of stuff the past few days. People joke that I'm stuck in the '90s and, well, I am, but at this point I'm just stuck in the past.
I'm stuck in the past where I see my friends all the time. I'm stuck in the past where I see Backstreet Boys at least twice a year. Last year was the first year since 2008, I think, where I hadn't seen them atleast once a year. Things are getting better and I will get to see friends next month FINALLY, but it's still a long wait until the fun of next year.
So expect stuff from this site. No matter what I did in the past.
Note: I have to redesign and reupload content for the Design page, so right now that is Coming Soon. I will also have more information on the Hire Me page soon, also. I will let everybody know what I add on each of the pages, but for right now, the site is open. 🙂
About Me
Professional Fangirl. Grad School Student '25. Digital Marketing Manager. Published Author. Boy Band Expert. Original Taylor Swift fan.
Professional Fangirl. Grad School Student '25. Digital Marketing Manager. Published Author. Boy Band Expert. Original Taylor Swift fan.
